(Note: I decided to write out my thoughts & feelings about my journey over the past 6 months since my life went sideways into a nice ol’ fashioned letter. I hope you enjoy!)
Dear Life,
Or shall I call You Fate? Or Destiny? Or my worst enemy ever?
Whatever — I really don’t give a fuck because I’m here today to set the record straight and get some things off my chest that have been lingering in the abyss of my soul.
For the first 2 months after being laid off, You gave me constant nightmares where I would wake up in a cold sweat from dreaming of doomsday scenarios of my coworkers being threatened by online trolls or how an innocent mistake I made at work would lead me to the guillotine of my newly-appointed billionaire overlord. You traumatized me, severely. I mean how would anybody react if one day their boss told them that their whole entire team will be laid off and that to save money on severance the company will try to make up a bullshit reason to lay them off for “performance reasons” so that the company can circumvent the legally binding United States Federal WARN Act? How would you react if the new owner of your company started publicly attacking your coworkers and asking your engineers to physically print out their code to prove their productivity? How would you react if beds were erected in your office so people can sleep at work overnight or if it became normal to see others throwing up from anxiety in the company’s no-longer-cleaned bathroom stalls?
You really did try Your best to bury me. To make sure that this would certainly be my demise. And You know what? For a long stretch of time, I actually did believe that You were right. I really did believe that I had nothing left to offer the world — that the roof of my potential had already been reached and that my story was finished. By believing this, I spent long countless days feeling sorry for myself as if my life was just doomed to be one unlucky misfortune after another. Because of this, I became bitter and angry and even more exhausted. Why me? I'm nobody! Leave me alone!
You convinced me that the world is a very bad place filled with the most vile people and that no matter how hard I try that I will always be screwed in the end. You made me believe that everything good is always destined to end and that “the bad times” will always come back. You filled me with toxic pessimism that leached into every bone of my body like an illness.
Well, nice try motherfucker…I almost fell for it…
Here’s where Your plan failed. In the wake of everything, I realized that I had a lot more people rooting for me than I could ever imagine. I’m talking about friends, family, random strangers on the internet, former managers, group chats, mentors, Uber drivers, and an elderly woman named Carol I met in a coffeeshop who told me “Sweetie, you can do whatever you put your mind to”. Yes Carol — I’ve started to think that you’re right.
Out of all the parts of Your plan that worked — You severely underestimated those who would come to my aid. Those who supported me, listened to me, called me, fed me, hugged me, encouraged me, sheltered me, and looked out for me. You underestimated the healing power of what endlessly flowing love can do to somebody’s soul. Here in my despair, I found an abundance of love and support every corner I turned and I absorbed every single drop of its essence in whole.
As I spent time healing, I lost my bitterness and short temper. Gradually, I became excited again to lunge myself back into the world — and it was amazing! I traveled A LOT and found so much fulfillment in spending time with those closest to me and reconnecting with friends both old and new. You should know that I also started playing pickleball and that I’m one of the best players in the Under-70-Years-Old bracket in my parents’ neighborhood.
Time passed and the most amazing thing happened — I became happy again. And I channeled this happiness into optimism as I started to think about my future. It was a daunting task and at first I stressed out trying to get it “right”. I tend to overthink a lot and eventually I realized that the best way to learn is to live. I also realized that I’m somebody who experiments and who has always let their curiosity lead the way. With the right mindset established, I allowed myself to move back to NYC where I’m now taking in everything day by day and spending more time being fulfilled rather than in fear of the unknown.
I’m excited for this next phase of my journey. And while I’m genuinely scared of what can go wrong, I am even more excited about the limitless possibilities of who I can become. Yes indeed, I am nothing but unlimited potential — raw, unfiltered potential with no bounds or constraints. Rather than running from the terrors of the past, I have decided that I’m right where I belong — amidst the unruly, beautiful chaos of this world we all call home.
I’m so proud of how far I’ve come. The hard work that myself and those who love me have invested is coming to fruition and I’m on my way to a future that is still being imagined. I can almost taste it!
So there you have it, Life 🖕.
Your plans to ruin my bliss have been foiled yet again. You lose and I win. And plus I no longer get night terrors anymore! For somebody so ruthlessly cunning, You really can be fucking stupid.
I’m the one person You didn’t count on coming back from the brink of despair — and for that I’ll make You pay dearly by continuing to reach new heights neither of us thought possible.
Sincerely,
Fuck You (x1,000,000)